Finding your other half does not mean that you have to solder yourself to them and “disappear” your former self. Although staying independent seems like a counter-intuitive relationship goal, it is a healthy and perhaps vital component of successful long term relationships. When an individual relinquishes all of their independent interests and loses themselves in a relationship they are inviting codependency, isolation, infatuation, paranoia and resentment into bed with them. Luckily, lovers can avoid all of those dirty words by nurturing select independent interests and communicating effectively.
Although matching sneakers are super cute on Instagram, successful couples tend to maintain some interests that are independent of the relationship. Your partner is a whole other person with opinions and ideas and they will not enjoy every single thing you enjoy. In fact, you should embrace your differences and use your varied tastes as an opportunity to spend time with other friends, family or on your own. If you don’t venture away from each other regularly, you can become codependent. In codependent relationships, seemingly routine separations eventually generate anxiety, tension and jealous conflict which are all toxic to healthy relationships. You don’t want to become that fiance who keeps facetiming all night or the twenty something that keeps sending “play by play” texts to avoid “a fight.”
This is not to say that you and your partner should be running around in different directions like self-improvement seeking squirrels. With our busy lifestyles, you cannot pursue every single personal whim and expect your relationship to survive. We all have things to do; you have to be intentional about the interests you will be pursuing independently. If the relationship is to thrive, both partners should agree on a few healthy independent pursuits and plan their lives accordingly.
The magic glue that keeps it all together is communication. You have to discuss your independent interests and how they will fit into your lives. You have to communicate and agree on costs as well as schedule your time apart; but more importantly, you have to share the highlights of your adventure with your partner when you come together again. It is crucial that on the rare occasions that your independent interests and your lover cross paths, they have the information they need to successfully navigate your friends, peers, relatives or colleagues. More importantly, you want to stay connected with your partner and communicating makes them a part of your evolution.
Now that you have some pointers on how to stay independent in a relationship, share them with your partner. If they are continually resistant to nurturing the type of independence enumerated here, you may need to decide if you want to re-enter the single game. In fact, if my calculations are correct, we are entering upon a new cuffing season anyway.