CEO and founder of The Spicy Life, Inc., Spicy Mari is a relationship expert and magnetic matchmaker. Discovering her purpose at a very young age, she recognized how forming and maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships was pivotal to our quality of life and happiness. Taking pride in her Mexican and Black heritage, Spicy Mari has helped to transform perspectives among her community about the way we can still fuel connections, despite the complexities of dating.
Interview edited for brevity and clarity.
What is a day like “in your heels?”
I feel like I work 24 hours a day. Even in my sleep I dream about relationships! But I like to start my morning with a fitness class or good workout. If I can fit in a quick hike, that is a bonus. Hiking is therapeutic for me and I love to use this time to meditate and gather my thoughts, or share some ideas with my creative director, who joins me sometimes. Following that, I shift focus to my appointments, which are usually back-to-back sessions with clients who are going through The S.P.I.C.Y. Fundamentals or new clients seeking more information about The Spicy Life (TSL) program.
Aside from providing individual coaching sessions through role play exercises and curriculum, I begin matching individuals based on their advancement in the program. For new clients, I walk them through the TSL process and start learning about their past experiences and what they are willing to do to support their dating and relationship goals. Most people do not differentiate between “wanting” and “willing.” Preceding these consultations, I have a meeting with the TSL team to discuss important agenda items, our upcoming events, and podcast and social media content. In between all this, I am trying to have lunch! There’s multiple hats that I wear while running my company; but, luckily, I have an amazing team and group of experts who help me along the day, especially when unplanned things happen or when I have to put out multiple fires!
Why did you choose to become a relationship and communication expert?
Realizing at a very young age, actually, that there were certain elements missing when it came to matchmaking, I wanted to help bridge some of those disparities in my own community. There was a lack of awareness about people’s sabotaging behaviors, so I became interested in reforming and reprogramming the way we viewed and created romantic relationships. Understanding the cognitive and behavioral psychology components behind dating, I recognized how our childhood coping mechanisms show up in adulthood.
Relationships are a big component of our lives. If you do not have healthy relationships, you are not living. So, I began to conceptualize strategic dating methods that could change the dating game. Through my Master in Communications Program at USC, I created the S.P.I.C.Y. Fundamentals, which stand for Self, Passion, Intimacy, Communication and learning to say “Yes.” A lot of what I do now is focused on both relationship coaching and matchmaking. I love this more than anything in the world. God put it in my heart and in my spirit; it fuels me and gives me a reason for waking up every morning. As a descendant of the Yaqui tribe, I carry the gift of healing and seeing into the future.
How do “commitment” “passion” and “synergy” play out in your life?
When it comes to my career, I implement those with all of my clients. When it comes to my personal life, commitment, passion, and synergy have to be manifested in my own relationships. I am one of those people who go like one million miles a minute and I have a new idea every single day! While working around the clock, I have to remember that I have important relationships in my own life, too, that require a commitment from me as well as my passion. My husband helps me with TSL, in his role as CFO, and we have to make sure the synergy is there to keep a healthy balance between dedicating time for each other and running the company.
TSL is my baby, so when my husband and I come to a disagreement, I have to be mindful that our relationship precedes my relationship with the company. So I tell my clients that, whether you are dating someone or in a marriage, it is important to also conduct performance reviews with loved ones in the same manner you would with a boss at your job. Managing client relationships can easily take over, so I try to check in with my momma, my nina, my siblings, friends, and husband to make sure that their needs are being met; and if not, see where I can show up more. I’m also mindful that I’m practicing what I tell my clients. Part of being a leader is also knowing when to follow. There is power and strength in submission. There is strength in operating from your feminine energy.
What do you think is the biggest issue facing women entrepreneurs today?
When it comes to resources, I think that we [women] do not help foster enough of a community to be able to lean on one another. The more we are able to share with each other, the better we can begin facilitating conversations about our struggle and the vulnerability we experience from our fears or concerns. Being able to lean on others for advice or mentorship is something that will eventually help us be more successful. Studies show that women who are in positions of power are more likely to hire other women; and those who have had access to mentorship will most likely go on to create more opportunities for other women. Through these avenues, we can offer additional experiences or training and a lot of the tools that sometimes aren’t shared with us by the opposite gender.
What piece of advice would you give to a person thinking of starting a career in relationship consulting?
The best advice I could give is to practice on yourself. Seriously. I think that your experiences drive you; and creating a healthy relationship for yourself is a testimony to being able to do that for other people. This is not to say that people entering the industry cannot be single, but that they should be able to demonstrate how they have used these tools and can apply them successfully. They should also understand that there is an educational component behind all this. A lot of people want to enter the relationship industry as a coach or matchmaker without having any formal training and only going off of experience. That is not enough.
There needs to be some sort of credibility to your work because we are dealing with a lot of the psychological and sociological aspects, that, eventually, therapy comes into play sometimes. But this gives us the power to guide clients responsibly and assess them in areas which they can improve on, helping them attract the right kind of love. There needs to be a lot of research while looking at the bigger picture. If you do not have all these tools in your tool box, then you cannot guide people from an unbiased place. You have to love it with all your heart; you have to believe in The Law of Vibration. Do you have a spiritual gift when it comes to connecting energies or are you just a good listener?
In your opinion, what can someone do to help them overcome the fear of rejection?
One of the things that I love to do is a “Pros and Cons” list or a breakdown of the alternative outcome if I overcome it. Sometimes you have to think backwards and ask yourself, “Why do I have this fear or where is this fear coming from?” It could stem from childhood trauma or past relationships. It is more about having conversations with yourself and assessing the root of this. Is it a fact or a belief. Majority of the time it is just a belief.
You have to ask yourself, is it worth the risk? The only thing you are sacrificing is your ego, and if you can live with that, then more than likely you can overcome the fear of rejection. You also have to take into account that rejection, in retrospect, is something positive. The more you face rejection, the better you become at building strength around your insecurities and self- awareness. However, if you let the fear of rejection take over, then you will deprive yourself of experiences. You have to change your perspective from “win or lose” to “win or learn.”
How important is it for women to lift each other up and what does that mean to you?
As a community, or in our own cultures, we could be helping and encouraging each other to pursue our own passions. More importantly, we should celebrate that we can be more fearless than our predecessors. We are entering a generation of entrepreneurship galore. I think that if we can create spaces to have conversations on how well we are doing and how we have come to face adversity then we can continuously empower one another.
As a collective, I think we are already doing some of those things. When I first started this business, I was not well prepared but I was blessed to have mentors that helped me along the way, especially when I had to transition from being an LLC to a Corporation. Seeing how impactful this experience was, I am more likely to help other women now, even if they find themselves on different career paths. It’s about passing on knowledge and making sure others have access too. The key is to encourage collaboration rather than competition.
What are the three valuable lessons you have learned from building your consulting firm?
1. The root of all evil is fear. It will keep you from moving into your purpose! When you make decisions out of fear rather than out of love, it never turns out good.
2. Appreciate and value the relationships you have. Being resourceful within your network will take you places.
3. Be able to admit when you are wrong or make bad decisions, but be graceful enough to learn from them and not be hard on yourself.
What is the most important message you want to send out to young women who are still in the early stages of their careers?
Not to be afraid of having those hard conversations and admitting to yourself that: you want it, it is okay to reach out to people even if you are afraid to, and, lastly, you cannot give up, even when doors close on you.