The holidays came and went and with that was probably many family commitments that were probably energizing, but possibly draining on us. Often we find ourselves saying yes to things that we don’t want to because of a perception of obligation or responsibility.
Growing up Latina, “No” just wasn’t in my vocabulary. Culturally, we are pushed into things (i.e. take care of your hermanito) with no other options or made to feel guilty if we don’t (i.e. “you’re being selfish”) for not doing X, Y, or Z. We feel obligated by blood, by loyalty, by culture and we are part of the collective family vs. our own autonomous self. You have needs? I can just hear a bunch of Latina mothers saying “you don’t see me complaining.”
These patterns, habits, and guilt can follow us into our adult years, and may transfer to other areas in our life such as our jobs and relationships with partners. That’s for another article.
I think the term “boundaries” can be a foreign concept to us. It’s a very anglo concept and can sound so cold and callous. Setting boundaries in a Latinx household or community can be very challenging. From navigating chisme to giving up your room for visiting family (if you had your own room!), to having roles placed on you, boundaries are often non-existing.
Adding on to that, the disappointment eventually ensues. It can lead to a heightened sense of my family may no longer love me. After all how disappointing that we cannot do this one thing — our families gave us so much! How could we be so selfish and ungrateful?!
“Let me just say yes again.” We think to ourselves.
However, I challenge you to truly reflect on this perceived (maybe even stated) disappointment. Are you actually selfish? Are you actually ungrateful? Are these messages we receive about ourselves actually facts?
We can love our families AND place boundaries on them.
Take that in.
“I love my family AND I need to place this boundary for myself.” Perhaps this is all you can handle. Perhaps this commitment is not something that you can continue to accomplish.
I can assure you, as much as our families have done for us, we will never be able to repay them. I can also assure you that you have done enough.
We can put these commitments on a boundary scale. Is it truly necessary that I be a part of this? Will I suffer emotionally, mentally, physically, financially if I say yes? Am I wholeheartedly saying yes because I would like to, or out of guilt?
While setting boundaries may receive pushback at first, it’s important to think about the long-term benefits that you will reap from doing so. Practice taking a step back and reframing your commitments against this boundary scale throughout the year. There’s a lot more I could add about pushback, but like I said, that’s for another article.