Almost a lifetime ago I was on the phone with one of my oldest girlfriends when she asked me when I was having kids. It was surreal to me because – she knew me – that was never on the top of my list. What was more striking to me was that she asked me while being interrupted by her children every two seconds. Why would she wish that upon me? Based on our tortured exchange, I felt like she should have been warning me NOT to have children! I just gave her one of my… responses and got off the call that had become a struggle.

My partner and I waited eleven years to have our first child because, quite frankly, we had stuff to do. Thus, this type of incident became the norm for me. As a Latina, I found that my family and friends assumed that I wanted children right away. However, like myself, many of us wait to make that decision or choose altogether to not have children.

Here are my top three reasons why we need to stop asking the (often dreaded), “When are you having children?”

  1. Some people simply do not want children. 
    Whether it was a rough childhood or a genetic disorder, some people have no desire to bring children into this world.
  2. Some women cannot have children due to their reproductive health.
    It is unlikely that they want to discuss this potentially painful topic with anyone other than their partner.
  3. Asking this question can impact her career.
    Asking a woman for this type of personal information in the workplace can lead to her becoming “Mommy Tracked” by management. This practice assumes that women who want children will not be as dedicated and their professional advancement is stunted.

But if you do get this question, I have some recommendations. For most situations, I would question the motive of the question by asking, “Why do you ask?” Most people do not expect you to question their motives and turn the tables around on the questioner. If you are lucky you can glean their true intentions from their reaction and eventual response.