Why ‘Ponte las Pilas’ Isn’t Always the Answer: Toxic Positivity

Always look on the bright side.

Everything happens for a reason.

Failure is not an option.

Let’s talk about being positive…and why that’s not always a good thing. From Instagram posts to t-shirts to tattoos, mugs and pillows, we’ve all seen the messages encouraging us to embrace a positive mindset. We’ve likely said similar words to ourselves in our efforts to be self-encouraging even when we’re feeling anxious or upset. While positive thinking has been directly linked to a higher self-esteem and suicide resilience, embracing a “good vibes only” mantra for our day to day lives may not be beneficial in the long run. In fact, this way of living can easily lead to a life of toxic positivity.

Psychology Today defines toxic positivity as ‘the concept that keeping positive, and keeping positive only, is the right way to live your life. This includes focusing on positive things and rejecting anything that may trigger negative emotions’. While superficially this may sound like a good idea, there are important reasons humans are capable of feeling many emotions. Scientists and psychologists at the Greater Good Science Center based out of UC Berkeley have mapped 27 distinct categories of human emotions that we are capable of experiencing. Different levels of emotion are housed within these categories. Our emotions help us process and respond to what’s happening in the world around us. Ultimately, our survival and well-being depends on how we react to our surroundings.

When we attempt to force ourselves to change or deny how we feel we can create higher levels of stress in our bodies. Denying our authentic emotions can lead to us experiencing secondary negative emotions such as guilt, anger and shame. Feeling those secondary emotions can then lead to denial, forcing a person into a cycle of denial and shame that can be hard to break. Toxic positivity looks different for everyone and that’s what makes it so problematic and difficult to tackle. Some people flourish with a never give up attitude, others become stressed and anxious. Influencing ourselves in a toxic manner can be subtle and we may not even be aware that we practice it on ourselves or others.

The biggest issue that toxic positivity creates is that it fosters a space where negative or undesirable emotions are not allowed. It also doesn’t allow vulnerability – which is intimately tied to socially “negative” emotions. Healing begins in spaces where vulnerability is allowed. How and with whom we choose to be vulnerable is unique to each individual. Some people have friends, partners, or therapists; others need space to be alone and process. There is no right or wrong way – rather it’s a spectrum and we all fall in a different place. Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on Vulnerability is a great place to start learning about the power of vulnerability.

To put toxic positivity in a nutshell, perhaps hypnotherapist Joanne Davies said it best, “Toxic positivity when you’re seeking help is like showing a doctor your open wound and having them sprinkle it with glitter.”

Whether others do it to us or we do it to ourselves, invalidating our feelings is harmful to our health. It makes us question and doubt ourselves which can in turn impact our self-esteem and mental health.

Toxic Positivity and the Latinx Community

While there is no blanket approach to Latinx communities, many struggle with the same challenges that befall immigrant communities. These challenges include addressing taboos on mental health, toxic masculinity, and intergenerational trauma, among others. One thing many of these challenges have in common is the approach that many in the Latinx community use to attempt to solve them. Attempting to share a genuine concern or mental health struggle to family can be met with a head shake or an eye roll. Wanting to stay in bed and rest for a day can be met with a comment on being lazy and unproductive. Phrases like, “hay que echar para adelante” or “ponte las pilas” are plentiful in the Latinx community.

It’s important to recognize that often cultural stigma can be attached towards displaying “bad” emotions such as sadness, anxiety and anger. Oftentimes, there are taboos in outwardly expressing emotions. For many first generation Latinx individuals it may be easier to hide those emotions and keep working and moving forward rather than taking a moment to understand why we are feeling a particular way.

Guilt can also play a big factor for children of immigrants. After all, some of us have been led to believe that our parents had a much more challenging life, so what right do we have to complain?

This thinking only pushes toxic positivity further into our lives. Furthermore, the needs of the family are often placed above the needs of the individual. This can lead to a mentality of always having to be okay because the family needs are more important than individual needs. This isn’t a push to become individualistic, rather it is a reminder that helping our families and communities doesn’t have to mean neglecting ourselves.

The spirit of the Latinx community is built on a foundation of hard work and resilience. It is something to be proud of, but we can’t and shouldn’t have to be resilient 100% of the time, and there shouldn’t be any shame in admitting that.

What Can You Do?

It’s important to validate our feelings regardless of what they may be or what social norms dictate they should be. As human beings we’re wired to feel a variety of emotions and that’s for a reason.

• If you are someone who often finds yourself telling friends that they ‘just need to get over what’s happening and keep moving forward’, try simply listening and validating that person’s feelings.

People will process things on their own time and might just need to be listened to.

• If you’re someone that tries to convince yourself that you are always okay no matter what, be patient and kind to yourself.

Embrace what you’re feeling so that you can cope with struggles in a healthy way.

• Instead of toxic positivity, let’s try mindful positivity.

Mindful positivity allows us to embrace how we feel and creates a safe space within ourselves where all emotions are allowed.

Below are a few phrases of validation and support that can be helpful for ourselves and others.

Ultimately, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t practice self-encouragement or encouraging others. This is to say that we all cope with things in different ways and we should not ignore how we feel because it’s an inconvenience to others or to society. We spend everyday living through a spectrum of emotions – that’s what being human means. Being emotionally healthy means feeling and processing all of our emotions whether they are good or bad. This leads to an understanding of ourselves and others around us.

Toxic positivity negatively impacts our mental, emotional and physical health. Moving towards a mindful approach to emotions is more beneficial in the long run. Accepting our emotions leads to accepting ourselves and our traumas and once we achieve that we can really begin to heal. It should be noted that lack of resources, lack of information, and lack of culturally competent mental care contribute to the larger issue of mental health in the Latinx community.

You can find some great resources in Spanish and English here.

The American Society for Hispanic Psychiatry is also doing great work.

*Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. Any opinions expressed here are solely my own.

Resources:

Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes September 15, 2019

Toxic Positivity And Its Impact On Our Mental Health

Instagram’s Positivity Problem: Do We Actually Need Toxicity To Enjoy The Web?